Here at The Institute for Moral Consumerism, we’ve spent countless hours researching the latest hot toys to hit the market, just in time for the holidays. The ladies at church ask, ” Eunice, why would you spend eight weeks locked in a cellar with 3,000 inappropriate toys?”
Why, you ask? I’ll give you six hundred and sixty six reasons why, if you really want the God forsaken truth. What happened to good old fashioned Christmas, like we had as youngsters when a yo-yo or a peeing doll elicited squeals of joy? Or when a stocking brimming with candy canes and walnuts drew spasms of glee. I’m sorry to say those days are gone; only to be replaced by a sickening mockery of Satan-tainted violence, greed and sexual disturbance. It has become a desecration on the Lord’s number one day. The Institute, to which I’m a proud member, has announced its annual list of amoral toys. Here for your digestion is this year’s list of the most reprehensible “toys” for the Christ conscious shopper to avoid like scabies on a hobo.
Topping the list is Hasbro’s Little Devil Rider the first toy to be recalled this season. As the head injuries continue to pile up , the 3- wheeler, modeled after an adult size ATV ,has put more toddlers in the hospital than last season’s Angry Bird Baby Launcher. Already responsible for over 50 knocks to the noggin, and 50 potential lawsuits, this battery powered trike has the ability and unfortunate design to knock the daylights out of 2 year-olds coast to coast. When activated, the bike seems to operate with a possessed mind of its’ own, launching little ones into trees, mailboxes and oncoming traffic. Even more disturbing, the small motorized bike is emblazoned with the face of a snickering Satan at the handle bars, making for steering difficulty. The bike is considered the number one menace to preschoolers this season.
Shoppers be sure to put Hot Wheels Road Rage Derby on your “To-Don’t” list. Tikes may be lusting over the new line of Hot Wheels toys, but child experts everywhere are denouncing this toy as a negative influence on highway safety behavior. Rage inducing play has no place in the Christian home, and such toys are a precursor for violence and profanity on our roadways. In the game, Children act out their aggression towards other road warriors via “Combat Cruisers” whose miniature drivers demonstrate their blatant disregard for rules with their middle fingers. Children can also apply mini bumper stickers like “Insured by Smith and Wesson” as part of the games thrills and spills. The toy inspires nothing but aggression and terrible manners. Members from the Institute would like to remind parents to keep their own middle fingers in check while driving this holiday season, bless you brothers and sisters.
Coming in at number three is Gandalf’s Wizardly Fun Lab , a “science kit” based on the movie The Hobbit. The lab contains dry powdered ingredients, some labeled nothing more than “Dust” or “Powder”. The lab is nothing short of an invitation to bio terrorism and certainly a gateway into a career at the local meth house. The potion mixing kit entices sorcery arousing magic, danger and childhood barbarity. Young wizards can whip up a number of recipes over a 40 watt bulb reminiscent of an EZ Bake oven. Pre-packaged “Doom Dust” includes highly allergic contents such as latex, peanut oil and mold spores. With scientific accuracy, enemies will be seizuring in full anaphylactic shock. Parents: keep Epi pins handy! Gandalf’s Fun Lab is an experiment in Sin! Also contains real plutonium.
Lite Brite, a holiday staple for years, has begun competing with the Extreme market aimed at the tween crowd, who enjoy skateboarding off roof tops and setting fires for fun. X-Treme Lite Brite is a high powered 50 volt display screen with neon fuse-blowing glow pegs. Children can design messages such as “Danger, do not touch with wet hands!” The toy is unsafe for a generation unable to read Ohm’s law; a Gatorade spill could easily segue into lethal shock for wanna be lighting techs. X-Treme Lite Brite might spark more than just the imagination, especially under a crispy Christmas tree.
Gay Slave Elmo – Who in God’s name thought this was a good idea? Based solely on the recent scandal involving the voice of Elmo – Kevin Clash. The toy has no redeeming value other than to cause sexual identity confusion and puppet eroticism. Also, the small leather straps are a choking hazard, and some toys are packaged without the handcuff key.
Trans-Operation: Is Ru Paul designing toys now? Operation is a classic, why mess with a good thing? It wasn’t good enough for the creative geniuses at Dream Labs Industry. Trans-Operation includes removable organs on patient “Carmen”, as “He” attempts to go post-op. Players remove small plastic pieces like the Adams Apple and a Juicy Boner. In a weird twist, game play also involves replacing parts like “Melons” and a “Love Muffin”. The game is an offense of all who uphold the Christian value of shunning homosexuality. Please pray for the children who will receive this most inappropriate gift this Christmas.
Rounding out the top ten are:
Black Ops II, Halo 4 and Max Payne 3. Rated “M” for Moronic. Despite consumer labels, ads for these destructive video games are aimed at preschoolers. Such games are agents of satanic mind control, and should be avoided at all costs.
Hunger Games Bloody Bow and Arrow by Toys R Us. The toy is not only a Choking hazard, but the small darts contain actual lead.
Crisco Twister: another classic game marketed again at sex hungry adolescents. It’s bad enough to think of teens co-mingling on a mat of colored spots, but imagine them naked and slathered in Crisco? I can see the teen pregnancy rate rising already. Disgraceful.
My Little Bronie : Another sexually perverse “Pony Toy” for the boys. You want your sons playing with a Pony? Next he’ll be styling your hair and singing in the men’s chorus. If you’re hell bent on a boy doll, try G I Joe or Hulk.
Explore and Learn Black Hawk Quick Fire: not all parts are flame retardant, more like flame retarded. This dangerous toy promotes arson and warfare. Keep fire extinguishers handy.
Christmas is a time for family, togetherness and the strong Christian ties we uphold in God’s wisdom and saving grace. I urge all parents to choose gifts wisely this season and be leery of advertising’s evil spell. Let Christ be your personal shopping assistant this holiday season. God Bless us, everyone!