AP (Associated Press) Topeka Kansas. Church authorities are calling the universal group prayer as having a significant impact on Mayan Apocalypse that never took place on 12-21-2012.Today Americans shared a collective sigh of relief that indeed the World’s End was narrowly avoided. Church authorities around the globe are praising religious leaders like The Good Reverend Skeeter G McAssert at the Holier Than Thou Church of the Conservative Shepherd along with ordained minister Eunice Wentworth for their powerful prayer ceremony skyped Nationally over Christian Tuner Radio and other syndicated stations.The broadcast received international attention. As reported in the Topeka Times, another lesser known baptist church also held prayer vigils that lasted into the night. Towels were dripping with sweat and lithe bodies heaved while solemn prayer and gospel music played. The service in Arkansas was accompanied by the Jiggy D. Wimple Jug Band, and a very special children’s chorus.”Because of the church’s generosity in praying for all sinners, Christian and non Christian alike, the event was deemed a phenomenal success and one that will go down in the history books.” Said E Rock Burnside, a Deacon from Salt Lake City Utah and a prominent Evangelical Leader. “Be grateful that all lives were spared,” said Ms. Wentworth who has also had success with demonic castration and boner suppression therapy.
( Berlin, NH) A controversial report from the Institute of Moral Consumerism has brazenly stated that obese children living in the industrialized world are in fact lazy, inactive and unmotivated. Furthermore, the obese in general are self actualizing their own morbidity by opting for bacon cheeseburgers and fries instead of exercise and fruit servings.Experts believe the obesity problem plaguing young Americans can be placed on regionally enforced morays rather than
genetics. These wide held beliefs rally the over sized population to see themselves as “victims” who later sue fast food chains and other contributors for their eternally greedy behavior. This shifts the balance of responsible consumerism toward a growing pathological avoidance of self management and moderation. Our nation’s children are in crisis and the answer from Wall Street is to offer bigger portions and more high sugar content . Some chains are now offering Bacon Sundaes as desserts for kids who want to fast track it to heart attack city.
There are other factors that contribute to morbid obesity, and these physical conditions may well be out of what can be controlled by the heavy set child. But studies show that most fat kids play video games excessively and are opposed to any physically stimulating activity that may cause them to sweat, exert themselves or appear uncoordinated by their peers. Simply put, given the choice to play outside or sit in front of a game console with a bowl of chips; 87% chose the latter.
Researchers found that a modicum of bike riding, tree climbing, and other types of outdoor play may lead to a reversal of this potentially endemic scourge that inflicts so many youngsters. Fat children become fat adults. Fat adults usually have other health concerns such as diabetes, heart conditions and other weight related illnesses that can cause them to die young. How many fat actors can you think of that are still alive? See?
Strategists say the trend in early onset obesity may lead to a Darwinian curve in which we may see a downward turn. Dr. Kino Grillbrash says that many of her obese patients are not likely to reproduce because they are unhealthy and appear unattractive to mates. However, this does not account for the impact larger food portions will have on average human consumption. Most likely, many more Americans will enter the danger zone of becoming obese themselves. It is an American crisis!
Obesity is having an impact on our economy too, as fat consumers tend to consume more than thin consumers. Airlines have had to “upgrade” their seat sizes due to the expanding waist lines of the average customer. Everything from toilet seats to coffins now must be super sized to accommodate a society that super sizes breakfast lunch, dinner and midnight snacking. More Hostess products in the store, more choices to challenge our artery clogged veins with. Honey Boo Boo is now a role model for young girls who want pageantry, candy and spray tans and she is well on her gluttonous way to adult obesity. What message does this send to young girls? It says indulgence is acceptable and so is public farting and heavy blush. Not so fast America. When we
indulge these hedonistic desires , our children will want more, more MORE – and we have created an unstoppable monster. If God intended for children to be obese, He would have certainly made them bully proof. Fat children get picked on more than their thinner peers, studies show. Children need moderation and better manners. They need their parents to push them out the door once in awhile to play a game of Red Rover or Kick the Can. Modern technology only contributes to the infectious laziness that strangles our Nation’s youth like a chubby choker. Get up from your Play Stations America, and while you’re up have an apple. It’s time for these fatties to bust a move!
Here at The Institute for Moral Consumerism, we’ve spent countless hours researching the latest hot toys to hit the market, just in time for the holidays. The ladies at church ask, ” Eunice, why would you spend eight weeks locked in a cellar with 3,000 inappropriate toys?”
Why, you ask? I’ll give you six hundred and sixty six reasons why, if you really want the God forsaken truth. What happened to good old fashioned Christmas, like we had as youngsters when a yo-yo or a peeing doll elicited squeals of joy? Or when a stocking brimming with candy canes and walnuts drew spasms of glee. I’m sorry to say those days are gone; only to be replaced by a sickening mockery of Satan-tainted violence, greed and sexual disturbance. It has become a desecration on the Lord’s number one day. The Institute, to which I’m a proud member, has announced its annual list of amoral toys. Here for your digestion is this year’s list of the most reprehensible “toys” for the Christ conscious shopper to avoid like scabies on a hobo.
Topping the list is Hasbro’s Little Devil Rider the first toy to be recalled this season. As the head injuries continue to pile up , the 3- wheeler, modeled after an adult size ATV ,has put more toddlers in the hospital than last season’s Angry Bird Baby Launcher. Already responsible for over 50 knocks to the noggin, and 50 potential lawsuits, this battery powered trike has the ability and unfortunate design to knock the daylights out of 2 year-olds coast to coast. When activated, the bike seems to operate with a possessed mind of its’ own, launching little ones into trees, mailboxes and oncoming traffic. Even more disturbing, the small motorized bike is emblazoned with the face of a snickering Satan at the handle bars, making for steering difficulty. The bike is considered the number one menace to preschoolers this season.
Shoppers be sure to put Hot Wheels Road Rage Derby on your “To-Don’t” list. Tikes may be lusting over the new line of Hot Wheels toys, but child experts everywhere are denouncing this toy as a negative influence on highway safety behavior. Rage inducing play has no place in the Christian home, and such toys are a precursor for violence and profanity on our roadways. In the game, Children act out their aggression towards other road warriors via “Combat Cruisers” whose miniature drivers demonstrate their blatant disregard for rules with their middle fingers. Children can also apply mini bumper stickers like “Insured by Smith and Wesson” as part of the games thrills and spills. The toy inspires nothing but aggression and terrible manners. Members from the Institute would like to remind parents to keep their own middle fingers in check while driving this holiday season, bless you brothers and sisters.
Coming in at number three is Gandalf’s Wizardly Fun Lab , a “science kit” based on the movie The Hobbit. The lab contains dry powdered ingredients, some labeled nothing more than “Dust” or “Powder”. The lab is nothing short of an invitation to bio terrorism and certainly a gateway into a career at the local meth house. The potion mixing kit entices sorcery arousing magic, danger and childhood barbarity. Young wizards can whip up a number of recipes over a 40 watt bulb reminiscent of an EZ Bake oven. Pre-packaged “Doom Dust” includes highly allergic contents such as latex, peanut oil and mold spores. With scientific accuracy, enemies will be seizuring in full anaphylactic shock. Parents: keep Epi pins handy! Gandalf’s Fun Lab is an experiment in Sin! Also contains real plutonium.
Lite Brite, a holiday staple for years, has begun competing with the Extreme market aimed at the tween crowd, who enjoy skateboarding off roof tops and setting fires for fun. X-Treme Lite Brite is a high powered 50 volt display screen with neon fuse-blowing glow pegs. Children can design messages such as “Danger, do not touch with wet hands!” The toy is unsafe for a generation unable to read Ohm’s law; a Gatorade spill could easily segue into lethal shock for wanna be lighting techs. X-Treme Lite Brite might spark more than just the imagination, especially under a crispy Christmas tree.
Gay Slave Elmo – Who in God’s name thought this was a good idea? Based solely on the recent scandal involving the voice of Elmo – Kevin Clash. The toy has no redeeming value other than to cause sexual identity confusion and puppet eroticism. Also, the small leather straps are a choking hazard, and some toys are packaged without the handcuff key.
Trans-Operation: Is Ru Paul designing toys now? Operation is a classic, why mess with a good thing? It wasn’t good enough for the creative geniuses at Dream Labs Industry. Trans-Operation includes removable organs on patient “Carmen”, as “He” attempts to go post-op. Players remove small plastic pieces like the Adams Apple and a Juicy Boner. In a weird twist, game play also involves replacing parts like “Melons” and a “Love Muffin”. The game is an offense of all who uphold the Christian value of shunning homosexuality. Please pray for the children who will receive this most inappropriate gift this Christmas.
Rounding out the top ten are:
Black Ops II, Halo 4 and Max Payne 3. Rated “M” for Moronic. Despite consumer labels, ads for these destructive video games are aimed at preschoolers. Such games are agents of satanic mind control, and should be avoided at all costs.
Hunger Games Bloody Bow and Arrow by Toys R Us. The toy is not only a Choking hazard, but the small darts contain actual lead.
Crisco Twister: another classic game marketed again at sex hungry adolescents. It’s bad enough to think of teens co-mingling on a mat of colored spots, but imagine them naked and slathered in Crisco? I can see the teen pregnancy rate rising already. Disgraceful.
My Little Bronie : Another sexually perverse “Pony Toy” for the boys. You want your sons playing with a Pony? Next he’ll be styling your hair and singing in the men’s chorus. If you’re hell bent on a boy doll, try G I Joe or Hulk.
Explore and Learn Black Hawk Quick Fire: not all parts are flame retardant, more like flame retarded. This dangerous toy promotes arson and warfare. Keep fire extinguishers handy.
Christmas is a time for family, togetherness and the strong Christian ties we uphold in God’s wisdom and saving grace. I urge all parents to choose gifts wisely this season and be leery of advertising’s evil spell. Let Christ be your personal shopping assistant this holiday season. God Bless us, everyone!
The CIA out to be ashamed of themselves. All this trouncing around with various tramps and skanks has my girdle in a bind. General Petraeus has a
huge case of boner’s remorse and is now joined by General John Allen, also an uncontrollable sexaholic. A scandalous love affair between Petraeus and his naughty biographer Paula Broadwell sent the General packing from his post as a CIA Director. But not fast enough, mind you . Recently, the FBI launched an investigation to determine what classified information Broadwell might have scooped during her dalliance . The investigation so far has uncovered “Agent Shirtless” , a number of tainted laptops , and emails
filled with salacious porn-quality steaminess . Broadwell was apparently stroking Petraeus’ ego and his wiener . This story has more juicy parts than a teenage pap smear and Americans are hot, hot, hot for more! Broadwell had it coming. Her attempt to derail the rumor mill involved threatening emails to a Tampa socialite close to the General’s circle, Jill Kelley. When Kelley boo-hooed to the FBI about the harasshole, investigators uncovered an even deeper layer of seduction, betrayal and hard core juiciness. The search through massive volumes of emails revealed General “Warrior Monk” Allen was in on the action as well. Allen’s emails revealed a playful kittenish side to the warrior General, and led directly to a sordid relationship with the horse-faced Kelley. Who knew? Jill Kelley is now banned from all military functions where men might be present. Pages and pages of drool-inducing messages will certainly entertain FBI investigators adding more distraction as the probe deepens. I think this probe needs to mine even deeper, and Broadwell’s not complaining. Lord knows she enjoys a deep probing! What will be unearthed next? Does any of this surprise you? As a devout Christian woman I am ashamed of our military leaders. I went to a very somber Veteran’s Day observance recently and sex was the last thing on anybody’s mind. For goodness sake, men need to keep their peckers in their pants and get on with the important business of coordinating the war effort. This kind of depravity has no place in our armed forces and is an embarrassment to honorable service men everywhere who display appropriate control over
their erections. It’s deplorable. Are there not enough places of worship on our overseas bases? Shall we send over more bibles? When Generals spend more time super sizing their privates than supervising their Privates, we have a problem America!
The juice just got juicier. We learned that Jill Kelley, General Allen’s side-bang, has an equally overactive twin sister Natalie! With the foxy Natalie in the mix, we can only fantasize about when and how the next sub plot of this scandal will blow out. I pray that this filthy laundry is exposed and these Tampa trollops will stop polishing the Brass once and for all. They have caused enough damage already! The details of the events give us all cause for alarm and wonder. Is the security of our nation compromised? What’s in Broadwell’s hard drive? What’s in her secret drawers? Once this information is made public we can make an informed decision about the security of our nation. In the meantime, I ask you to pray with me, as our country once again becomes a spectacle of ridicule and shame. I’m down on my knees now, are you? The misbehaviors of top brass, their indiscretions and kinky habits have created a national scandal and put our nation’s security at risk. I have never felt so vulnerable in my entire life! Frankly, I’m not big on vulnerability. It’s bad for my blood pressure and keeps me awake at night. Vulnerability is for pussies and other unpredictable nations. America, we are all vulnerable now!
The mighty pony has whinnied and I hear his roar! In my first blog posting, I made reference to Bronies and Furries as sexual deviants and social miscreants. They are like the Island of Misfit Toys in the classic Rudolph clay-toon – only these misfits are human and don’t have much hope at finding love. I’m not trying to be unfair or pretentious, but I was deemed so by several readers. So, I have done a little soul searching. No one likes to be told they are sinful and judgmental, especially Christians. First, K O writes to report that Furries or Fens like himself work hard and “Care about the important issues.”
“Furries”, He says, “Have existed since ancient Egyptian times.” I reported that the Furry trend originated in Canada, but no, they first furnicated in the land of the Pharaohs. This explains everything now. Egyptians mummified their dead , used incest to expand their half witted dynasties and believed cats were demigods. What a bunch of crazies! The cats I know are about as God-like as Great White sharks; they claw, bite through flesh and cause blood infections. No, I wouldn’t worship cats at all. The ancient Egyptians were lunatics and their half-beast half-God-deities point to a civilization ruptured at the seams. Even their art shows signs of a warped society. No wonder their country is in crisis.
Christopher Rickett has a thing or two to say.
As ignorant and mollusk- brained as I am , I still wanted to reply to the passionate Christopher. He asks us to look back to a time when civilization was without a Bronie / Furry ethical foundation . It must have been hell. I can imagine there was much suffering indeed. Rickett says, “People were crucified and burned at the steak.” This burning at the steak business has my panties bunched up in a tizzy. When I hear that people are intentionally burning steaks it feels like my nerves are on fire. Once I bit into an over cooked Filet Mignon and thought I was chewing my purse. After chugging an entire martini to wash away the taste, it was as if a small piece of me died. I fired that chef and his worthless staff. The only people that burn their steaks are Cajuns and backwards folk who practice voodoo. I don’t mess with them, and I certainly would never eat their blackened Devil meat. If you can’t prepare a rare Christian steak , then serve me some escargot. Maybe it will induce more mollusk-inspired ignorance on my behalf.
Finally Babz Barbara chimed in to say that she would just like her pony Please! Enough of this deviance crap, if it makes her happy, she’s doing it! Pony Style and all! I assume this means her quest for further happiness is carried out within a Bro-nanza of Dream Beauties and Breezies. She, along with the other pleasure-driven heathens believe Vermin Supreme should not be taken so seriously, after all, the man wears a boot on his head. Therein lies the danger of the Vermin Supreme candidacy conspiracy.
Yes, friends, Vermin Supreme indeed wears a boot on his head and often appears in the media with props of wizardry like magic dust and starry purple backdrops. This is no coincidence, it’s meant to deceive and trick young voters into believing that Vermin is a wizard himself, like Harry Potter. It appears however, that Vermin has turned a new leaf. On November 5th , Vote Jesus is being screened at the 5th Annual Cape Ann Film Festival in Gloucester MA. Vote Jesus examines the man behind the Vermin Curtain, Ken Stevenson , and his undercover exploits across Evangelical USA. This is Vermin’s come to Jesus moment, and I would love to be a speck of glam dust on the Jesus glitter bomb when that shit explodes. I may see you in Gloucester friends, if my jet can get out of this rubble Hell Hole left behind by the storm. Hurricane Sandy has been such an inconvenience.
I will continue to search for my inner Pony, as well as the fundamental truth. Somewhere , I shall locate it. The South Shore of liberal Massachusetts has a lot of hidden cracks, so I’ll search deeply. Meanwhile I’ll try to spiritually connect to my inner pony, now that I’ve found him. His name is Bloody Maree Mayhem. Now that pony needs taming – and a stiff drink!
By Eunice Wentworth
Trends in social media reveal increased deviant behavior towards animals, cartoons and fantasy creatures. This maladjusted epidemic has infected the bloodstream of our American nervous system, it is unsightly and it aches the heart! Tumblr is a magnet of voracious hedonism, Twitter and Facebook equally self indulgent. 76% of adults are influenced by social media; the numbers are mind bending. Clearly the breakdown of civilized society is a result of sex themed forums and blogs devoted to cartoon smut. There are disturbed young men, and some very sick women, trolling the internet to heighten twisted perversions. Once habits form, they are not easily broken. Soon, these young people slip into moral bankruptcy; sidelined as counterproductive citizens. They produce nothing, and use vast resources while they’re at it. Their existence thwarts the recovery of our slumped economy, simply because a majority of capable adults don’t participate in it. Instead, they boo-hoo about inequality and waste time prowling for sick delights. We might as well give up on this portion of the generation, it’s not worth it. I just hope they don’t vote. We have entered a most hazardous time.
I was in Baltimore this summer and rode the MARC to a home school gathering. In a regrettable coincidence the train car filled with smelly Anime fans in town for a convention. Who knew Baltimore was teeming with sickos? The city pulsed with freakish hair dos and costumes, many were obese and unclean. I clutched my handbag tightly, I thought about crime. They didn’t offer me a seat on the crowded train either, as they displayed no discernable sign of proper manners. Instead, they bantered on about nothing of great importance. Suddenly I became frightened for the future of our country. They fussed like tired babies, uninterested in the election or important matters. My soul cried tears of agony, “Sailor Blue and Mr. Pokémon, please.” I snuffled, “Get off this train and get a job. There is still time” It was all I could think. The Infiltration of Satan is everywhere, especially in Baltimore.
For some, it’s already too late. One can assume by their vacant stares, shaking hands and gaming obsessions these individuals are too exhausted to offer salvation. Their lust for make believe characters discourages maturity and normal development. If you thought the Anime trend was disturbing, just hold onto your rosary beads, because here come the Bronies and Furries: taking mental disturbance and deviation to a whole new low. No wonder our Economy is in such decline.
Bronies are a subgroup of young men intensely aroused by the Hasbro cartoon My Little Pony (Friendship is Magic). They are the “Bros” or followers of Pony and have erected an entire cultural shrine to their icon, My Little Pony. Their fervor is boundless and lacks age and gender appropriateness. What could be the appeal of pastel ponies on grown college age men? Is masculinity and duty to tradition finished? What’s more disturbing with this emerging group is the abundance of smut and fan art spreading like genital crabs. Such “art” has no meaningful role in a society already choked in pornographic mire. This adoration of Pony Porn leads one into the dredges of bestiality and bi-curious experimentation. I don’t know which is worse, you be the judge. Men are certainly less masculine, if you haven’t noticed. They have no business playing with ponies and magic. If they can’t work or go to school, they should at least join the military and learn to behave like real men.
Furries represent yet another promiscuous subculture hailing from Canada. Canadians are always pushing the limit when it comes to abnormal sin, their liberal political system leads many to a lifestyle of rampant homosexuality and prostitution. They smoke a lot of weed in Canada too. Vancouver has more prostitutes than hockey players and moose. Furries take anthropomorphic lust to the depths of shameless perversion. They masquerade in big-headed animal ‘fur suits’ and parade in public. Open displays of humping, and heavy petting frighten common people. Like zoo creatures in heat, these activities should be limited to those already behind cages; it is a barbaric hobby. Their loose association with their inner “animal” is cause for alarm and should be treated by only the most experienced psychological experts. Furries are typically male (80%) are unemployed and have lifelong obsessions with cartoons. Not surprising, youngsters raised on television shows like Kim Possible, Power Puff Girls and even Strawberry Shortcake have become over sexed miscreants hungry for more toon porn. These once innocent characters, have now become grossly morphed into sexual porn stars; their images taking on risqué and scandalous acts. Go ahead and Google it yourself. You’ll be shocked to see images of the Power Puff girls in a 3-way or Kim Possible with a big black boner in her mouth. Even Smurfette is not off limits. These images will make you recoil in disgust. You may even need to look twice to grasp the depths of such depravity. I know I did.
As these subcultures break into the mainstream, we can only expect further decay of basic morals and principals. My friends, it has already happened in the current election. Take Vermin Supreme, a 2012 candidate for President, and King of the Bronies. His vile website tells the picture; he promises a Pony for everyone if elected, and wants to exploit the Undead as a renewable energy source. It’s an unchristian platform if I ever heard one. Vermin promotes a gay agenda and once attempted to turn a Christian Leader into a homosexual with magical fairy glitter. He is known to attend Rainbow Gatherings where group love and drug experimentation are the norm. As a “protester”, Mr. Supreme has already infiltrated the now defunct Occupy movement where job-avoiding losers rally behind a cloak of “economic inequality.” He is clearly a danger. The masses of unstable, unstoppable Bronies and Furries are drawn to him like mites on a mange infested Fursuit. His appeal to the unsatisfied and down trodden is likely to influence “undecided” voters, unless their own laziness prevents them from voting. One can only pray. Mr. Supreme is a dangerous leader whose Pony Pimping must be carefully scrutinized.
What can be done to amend a generation wallowing in a sewage of sexual aberration and irresponsibility? How, can we reverse desires to furnicate, and Pornify childhood innocence? The return of God fearing values, Christian beliefs and appropriate interventions can guide these lost souls off the speedway to hell and back into the productive institutions of school and work. Our economy’s dependence on skilled, educated socially adaptive workers will not be met if we continue along this path. The reality- dodging by the 47% needs to be replaced with a rigorous cleansing. It might involve brainwashing, or even bleach. America, we are facing a crisis. Salvation and healing will happen only under the banner of prosperity, where we can once again heal and share the bounties of wealth with those deserving of its merits. Prosperity for Everyone in 2012 – or prosperity for those of us who have earned it . If you’re not on board with prosperity, you must be an atheist. And frankly, there’s no room for atheists and perverts in this age of reform.
This upcoming weekend, the 5th annual Cape Ann Film Festival will be underway in Gloucester, Massachusetts. Vermin Supreme is hosting a special preview of Vote Jesus, a documentary based on one man’s salvation. Is it real or is it a cruel hoax? I would like to believe Ken Stevenson is a man of recovered faith and has located the Lord somewhere in the deep South. The Lord tends to hide down there. I would very much like to attend the screening, but my jet was damaged by the Hurricane. It could be DAYS until I’m travelling freely again. This storm has been such an inconvenience.